Our Big Life

I was chatting to Marianne Cantwell, an ex-Big Leaping client the other day and she gave me some great dating advice. I was telling her all about my internet dating experiences. I have met some great men – but I haven’t felt that real ’spark’ with any of them.
What do I do, I asked, do I go on a second date with someone if I don’t feel there’s any ‘magic’? Do I persevere? In response, Marianne wrote me this fabulous guest blog:

Marianne says:

I am currently single. Most people say that with a degree of resignation. I say that with pride, and a huge pinch of novelty.

Because I am never single.

My perpetual coupledom used to be a joke among my friends, but after my last relationship ended, one friend took me aside and said everyone was worried about me. She said I should try being single for a while. It was obvious to everyone except me that I needed time out.

They had a point. Ever since I was 16 I have not had more than a month between partners. I am the queen of long term relationships, and being seen as the ‘life partner’ – I start something, and suddenly the man is talking babies, rings and schooling options.

If it sounds like I’m bragging, I’m not. I’m confessing a bad habit.

I got to the stage after my last relationship where I looked back of my love life and felt like I’d been on one of those all day shopping sprees through Oxford Street on a Saturday. One where you know you don’t need any of the stuff you’re buying, but the momentum and noise and excitement gets to you and as soon as you buy one thing you just need another. Before you know it it’s 8pm and you’ve developed a splitting headache, and have all these bags to carry home. Funny thing is, you don’t even remember what you were shopping for in the first place.

TIME TO BREATHE.

It’s my metaphorical 8pm. I don’t want to go back to the crowded shops and start again tomorrow. I don’t want to just ‘fall’ into another relationship for the sake of it. My friends were right – I needed time out.

I don’t want to stay single forever though, so I am dating. Dating has been fabulous fun – there are so many lovely men are out there, dating has shown me there is no rush, I can take the time to choose the right person.

However, knowing my ‘falling into relationships’ history (and my incredible optimism about people…), I put in place three ‘safety nets’ to help me beat those pesky Love Goggles:

1. I focus on my life – I limit the evenings I allow myself to have dates to prioritise my friends and my work (which I love love love). I have what I need around me – a partner is a wonderful extra.

2. I took the time out to determine my key ‘must have’ criteria for the person who I would like to get involved with (when the time is right)

3. I stick to that ‘must have’ criteria.

This idea of having ‘criteria’ sounds restrictive and ‘difficult’ but it is the most liberating thing I have done. Every day in my work, I get my career change clients to determine their ideal work life criteria, so I thought, why not apply this to my love life?

I chose to do this one day when I was thinking particularly clearly. Sitting in my favourite park I looked at myself, my personality, and what I most value. I thought back over past relationships and which aspects worked and which didn’t. It was hard, being that honest with myself, but it was worth it.

I came up with a list of things which I know deep down I can not compromise on. These include Must Haves (eg: incredible generosity, empathy) and Deal Breakers (eg: competitiveness, cynicism). Importantly these are NOT things that I would insist are present in a good friend, but are elements that I honestly can say are essential for me to be happy with someone in a relationship.

I then did something incredibly geeky and put all of that into a spreadsheet. When I start ‘quite liking’ someone I open up that file, and check them off against these criteria. A tick the wrong way and I know that person is not right for me.

This has saved me from falling into several bad relationships. When that inner voice says ‘oh, but he’s so good in these other ways, maybe you can figure something out’, I can say ‘no. I wrote this when I knew myself best, now it’s just the Love Goggles speaking.’ When you’re as optimistic as me, this is pretty much an essential!

I’ve finally said no to Love Goggles determining my life. I’ve said no to falling into something for the sake of it. And I’ve said yes to making a genuine choice. To looking at all the lovely, kind successful men around me, and meeting many more, but only choosing to move things forward when I connect with that ‘really right’ person.

What could be more Big Love than that?

I’m so excited about the journey – want to join me?

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