Our Big Life

Last week, I was talking about nothing ‘out there’ is going to make us happy. But as usual, the Gods have a sense of humour and made this week all about ‘out there’ stuff for me i.e. money

I’ve been having various conversations with my ex about money and child support as I make some big decisions about where I live. (I’m about to move house)

I think deep down, I thought that love and money could somehow be put in separate boxes but as I negotiated, had tantrums with my ex, had to make big leaps in my head and heart, I could see how they are linked and to think otherwise was to truly live in la la land.

This week, I realised how survival issues are closely linked to fear and can close you down very quickly so you get as far away from your ‘core of peace’ as is possible to be. If you don’t deal with money (what it means to you/your issues on how you value yourself etc etc etc) it’s virtual impossible to live your life from a BIG, expanded place.

What can I say? It’s been a big week in terms of personal growth for me this week!

So I decided to talk to Marianne Curphey, top financial journalist, author and expert on how best to handle love and money.

Here’s what she had to say:

www.bigleaplife.com/audios/mariannecurphey.mp3

She also kindly wrote this guest blog for us:

“Money and love are inseparable (even though we’d like to believe they are not). Money is bound up with power, self-worth and reward and that makes it a very emotional subject for many people.

But we like to pretend that when we are looking for love, that dirty cash is unimportant. After all, Cinderella never asked the Prince whether the Castle was mortgaged to the hilt, or whether he had a decent trust fund coming his way.

With the release of Sex and the City 2 on national cinema screens, many reviewers have been taking as though the film was just about friends, shoes and relationships. Don’t be fooled, this chic flick is really about money. The girls live a lifestyle of freedom that our mothers and grandmothers could only dream of…..because they are financially independent.

Money is one of the issues which couples argue most about – and can often be the catalyst for the breakdown of a relationship. When you begin a new relationship you take with you all the emotional and money baggage that you learnt from your parents at home, plus subsequent experiences of wealth or debt at college and in your job.

What’s important is that when you are dating you understand that being attracted to someone does not automatically mean you are financially compatible.

Though you may think that most people share your views on spending and saving, people do in fact have very varied attitudes to money. For some, cash slips through their fingers – for others it is tightly held. When you meet or marry your partner, you may assume that they will understand money in the same way that you do.

Your date may have come from a family where it was considered dirty to talk about money, whereas you may have discussed it over the family dinner table. But if your relationship is to be a success, then it is absolutely crucial that you are open and honest about your attitudes to money.

Since opposites often attract in relationships if you are a hoarder you may find, for example, that you enjoy the company of a spender because they make you feel liberated and generous.

Think about all the derogatory words to describe a differential in incomes between two partners – toy boy, sugar daddy, gold digger, WAG. Our society still has a lot of hang-ups about how money and love fit together.

It’s really not important what you or he (or she) earns, or how big or small the gap is. What is important is that you don’t have subconscious expectations about how a partner will behave which you have never expressed and which will make you feel disappointed in the long run.

So here are some exercises to tease out your inherited attitudes to money. Try completing the sentence on a piece of paper:

1. The main argument my parents had about money was….

2. Rich people are….

3. In order to be really wealthy you have to… 4. What money means to me is…..

5. My father taught me money was …..

6. My mother taught me money was….

If you understand your own emotional needs linked to money, then it will be easier to spot early on if someone has incompatible views.

You can test these questions (subtly of course) on your date (or partner) to find out their views. If you feel it is a bit unromantic, think of it as part of the process of getting to know them. Then when you do find the right person, you’ll find sharing bank accounts and saving for a happy retirement together much easier.”

If you want to go deeper into understanding and transforming your own relationship with money, you can sign up to Marianne’s free three-week email course at

www.wageslavesescape.com/think-rich-now/