Our Big Life

It’s July 1st and we’ve just finished our 21 day challenge (www.bigleapchallenge.com) 21 days to set a goal and just to it.

One of our brave 21 day Big Leap Challengers, Karine decided to set herself a challenge to create more connection and love in her life in 21 days and she agreed to let me share her journey in this blog:

Here’s her journal:

Day 1:
Not a great start as I woke up at 4am with both my eyes glued and then couldn’t get out of bed, so didn’t exercise as planned – but hey-ho! so I decided to walk  to work instead, music in my hear I practice the LK mantra ” may I be well, May I be Happy, may I be loved” over and over again, looking up at trees. It works, i arrive work with a big smile on my face and thinking that I am indeed very lucky to live where I do and be able to walk to work!! Then things go down a bit as I have to take my cat to the vet and he needs an intervention first thing tomorrow morning – the prospect of a huge bill and a skinned month… but I love my cat and I wouldn’t jeopardise his company. So instead of focusing on the negative, I practise a bit more of LK mantras and decide to take my first connection leap: I’ve signed myself up to join a book club, and their first session is in fact a get together at one of the members’ house watching an adaptation of one of the books they’ve read – I am only going to go “uninvited” to a total stranger’s house having nibbles, drinks and tv with 14 other strangers!!hm… Coming back from the vet, I decide to treat myself to another walk, open field, poneys and horses here and there, rabbits running around, deep breath, yes I do feel connected with the world, well the animal and vegetal part of it anyway.

Day 2

Not the best start of the day again, had not much sleep because the cat doesn’t like to be kept in at night, then had to force him into the carrier basket and leave him at the vet of his ops. I felt soft, fragile. But everybody was lovely with me, the nurses at the vet, the girls in the downstairs office, my boss to my new friend Bego. I feel guilty though, I didn’t walk, so didn’t do my LK mantra, will try tonight as a relaxation before bed. I haven’t exercised either! But I feel chattered, probably the end of the week, the emotions and the challenge!! So have I shown love today? Well very certainly to my cat and the kind people, but that’s it I’m afraid… Though through my Big 21 Day Interconnection Challenge assignment, I have really connected with myself, so I am sure this must count for something. AND, I have agreed, or should I say committed again (ahaha scary!), to join my friend Bego and her husband (met once) and some of their friends (who I do not know at all) to the Rhythm Tree festival in July on the Isle of Wight….euh, quite a stretch for me: a) I have never been to a festival before (I am 41), b) I haven’t camped since I was 18, c) this festival is quite spiritual and I will be surrounded by people!!

Day 3

Had a lie in, felt the need to get up and go but resisted, it’s been a long week, I deserve to rest, and my cat is on the mend. I feel at peace. I check my emails – a very long one is from an old friend, we haven’t communicated since I’ve left London, we didn’t fell over but I kind of close the door really, I wanted a blank page and feared that this friend would never let me have that opportunity as if she would always “send me back” to an old life that she knew. I have never given her any explanation thinking that it would be more hurtful to her than simply fade away. I have mixed feelings about this now, as she’s sending a retrospect of her and her life since my departure, no question, no lead to any discussion. I can say that I still love her as a friend, she was my deeper and longer friendship (and I was for her too). I am confused and this is unexpected, and all I can read is the harm that I have done to her… Bego invites me to lunch at her place, I say no.  I undertake to do a proper exercise session and I feel better in myself after just 20 minutes, as per usual. Then I realise that of course I would love to have lunch with my new friend and that of course I can find the time even if my to-do-list is longer than my arm! I want to be a good friend and I am.

Day 4

I went out yesterday night and met new people, one of them seems very interested in me and wants to take me out for dinner – I sincerely do not remember the last time this has happened!! It feels great.
Today I went to walk the dog of an elderly couple who are hardly mobile. Irene, the owner of the dog likes to talk to me about France and her daugther, it feels like I give her a breath of fresh air as well as keep her little dog fit! Being kind makes me feel good about myself.

Day 5

This morning I do some Loving Kindness meditation while walking to work, it makes me feel good and I smile at every soul I come across.   At work, when the plans for tomorrow turn upside down, I make the conscious gymnastic of not becoming grumpy or cynical. Oh! And I also sign up as a volunteer at the Art House, this should be inspiring! I am glad I took 5 minutes to phone Irene and take some news, as the little dog is unwell and her husband was going to hospital. And now? Well I must be experiencing a “high” as my TV is not on as a background noise, as it is usually. Does this mean that I can easily deal with my thoughts, that they’re not noxious? Would my Inner Coach be driving?

Day 6

Early start today, long driving and no time to exercise or walk in the morning. I miss it, but it enables me to see why I am so committed to do it religiously.  The day at work flies, no rest for the wicked!  Later I go with my friend for a three hour walk along the river, watching the birds and the landscapes. The sun is still out and it is so enjoyable and soothing, connecting with nature, I also find it very humbling. I open up and confide in her telling her about my old friend who recently contacted me by email – she is kind to me.  We feel refreshed and absolutely knackered, a feel good wear. At home, I fall asleep on the sofa!!

Day 7

This morning I don’t get up, well I do but after pressing at least three times the snooze button – not very motivated?  Hmmm, then I decide to go to work walking so I practise my LK mantras, looking at the movement of the clouds and the wind in the trees. I am now in a better frame of mind and decide that this is going to be a good day. I smile, this is exciting!

A girl from the downstairs office feels ill and can’t believe her misfortune as she is due to go on holiday to Turkey in 2 days, I seem to find the right words and positivity to pick her up.  I also go to the pharmacy for a colleague with a knee ache, this is my St Bernard day J

And finally I undertake to reply to my old friend from the past, this is not easy but I cannot put back any longer, so I try my best to write what I think has happened, to find the right words to express what I felt and thought at the time of my “disappearance”,

and guess what?

This was a good day

Day 8

First a friend comes for early morning coffee and catch up, and we hug – it feels good.

Then I spend almost the entire day preparing a boat for charter, outside, in the sunshine, I feel so privileged the smile on my face never goes, people smile back and it makes me feel even better, if at all possible?  I eventually go home with the intention to be good and do my daily Big Leap exercise and assignment, which I do but regularly interrupted by texts from my two friends who want me to join them watching the footie with a bottle of wine – After 7 texts I surrender…and this was really the right thing to do, no regret, no guilt, we have such a laugh, I haven’t giggled like this in years!  Am I wrong thinking that laugh must be connected to love and kindness somehow??

Day 9

Today I have overslept again! And I feel tired, but “happily” tired, must be the consequence of the laughing evening with the girls, I am in a good mood for no reason whereas I have to run out of the house within 30 minutes as this is one of the busiest weekend of the season (at work). I help a lot, I am thanked a lot

I don’t do anything out of the ordinary but I make a point to be kind to everybody I come in contact with. Instead of going for walk at lunch time, I help a friend out by driving her to collect her car, then I decide to be kind to myself and have a proper lunch sitting at a table on a terrace by the water, the sun is shining. I am quite pleased as people do seem to respond to me, to my positivity and smile, at work, at the shop, at the café, out in the street, it’s funny, it’s a bit like if I had taken possession of a new me – fingers crossed this will last… well I have to make sure it will, I am not ready to compromise on this.

Day 10

Today I struggle, not in a bad way but I cannot focus on being kind or anything else for that matter of fact.  I didn’t take the time to meditate and my to do list has only a few things crossed off.  I go to the local shop, I am happy to joke with the people working there, they seem to recognise me by now, which I find nice. I also invite my friend for dinner and drinks, it feels great to be the one inviting and not the other way around. So really today is more about connecting with people around me, even in the street, a guy tells me that he keeps seeing me walking around, it makes me laugh but I have no idea what to reply, so I just say “sorry”, have no clue why as I do not mean it. This new friend is one of the nicest person I have met for quite a while, this is refreshing and so in the context, we speak with people we do not know, is it because it’s so sunny and warm. I wonder if there is a study about being kind in the sun vs. being kind in the grey. I do know that light has a huge effect on me and so my interaction with the world, but it would be interesting to find out.

Day 11

Wohoo! A whole day to be kind to myself – never done before (unless ill/sick, and even then…), NO to-do-list, no watch, no make up, no plans, plenty of air and sun and love. Today is THE day.

Day 12

I am starting to understand the truth about loving yourself first in order to be able to love others, life, the universe. Today, as part of my 21 Day Big Leap challenge, I was asked to write a letter from my Inner Coach to myself, a letter that would make me believe what I need to to overcome the fear and the pattern.

Letter from my Inner Coach:

So you think you are not interesting enough? And why that? Because all your friends are very successful in their jobs, with big responsibilities and money?- Even your exes, one was a successful trader and the other one a famous Dr in Chemistry. Maybe they’ve also travelled more than you have, in some cases studied more than you have?
Nevertheless they’re your friends, they were your partners, so they must find something interesting about you, and if not the amount  of stuff that you know, or the experiences that you have, it might be the quality in them, or the way you see things and question them, and understand.
So you are absolutely fine. You are indeed interesting and you are the only one not to notice.

Day 13

Today I wake up in a terrible mood with a massive headache – my friends the hormones!! I make a huge effort to say hello and smile to people I pass by while walking to/at work, I do not even appreciate the walk as I am unable to let go of this…shadow? weight?

At lunch time my old friend from the past email me a reply and my new special friend

Day 14:

Today I focus on nature.  First I walk to work looking at tress, water, sky, birds…then I spend the morning preparing boats for a charter – even if it’s mostly cleaning, I am still outside and feel very privileged, the sun is strong and I notice that even the sounds are different when it’s summery… I suppose this has to do with the atmospheric pressure?

After a quick stop at the office, my boss/friend invites me to have lunch outside on a terrace on the marina and tells me to finish at 3pm! I then spend some time with another friend, still outside, gently strolling across swamps and woods where some free horses come to meet us, no fence, no lead…. I caress two of them.

Day 15:

I wake up with the strange feeling of not being in touch – I am grumpy, down, faithless. Nothing works, I cannot connect to anything as I cannot connect to myself. Later in the evening I do the exercise from my 21 Day Big Leap challenge, a bit like did on Day 12:

Message from my Inner Coach:

It’s ok to have doubts and downs, to question everything again, it’s actually good, it means that you are interested and interesting at the same time. All your new friends know that you are a great person as much as I do and they will not feel otherwise over night. Just trust us to trust yourself, to love yourself, I am here always, for you, whenever and wherever, I am here and I love you. And you’ve made so much progress already, can’t you see? Give yourself some credits and believe me when I say you are worthy of your new life, the one that has started and will flourish.
Trust me, I love you, I am here for you, I would never lie to you.

Day 16:

I wake up and discover a text message full of love from one of my new friends – the day is starting really well!  So I decide that today should be about acknowledging love around me. During the day, I actually say to two of my new friends that I am very happy to have met them, one of them hugs me and tells me that I am a great person!  I show gratitude to the person who I think made my life here possible, by trusting my abilities in my job and understanding my wish/need to live near the water.  I feel again so privileged, I am thankful and happy. I smile and say hello to everybody, and everybody smiles back at me!

Day 17:

Beautiful day, beautiful sky, beautiful all around… but I am on a mission as I am not sure if the person I want to spend the day/weekend with will make it for lunch, dinner, the night, tomorrow, or at all!  Love shouldn’t be about wanting, right? So why do I want so much sometimes, especially when it’s very uncertain that I will get anything. Love is also acceptance, acceptance of yourself, acceptance of the other, and, acceptance of the facts too??? I am sorry, I cannot offer love like I would like to, I am too self centred and feel very selfish and foolish.

Day 18:

Still on my own, I have to react, I have to feel. So I take myself outside for a long walk by the water front, then through the woods and the park.  Life is everywhere, dogs, horses, birds, people, trees, bushes, and I realise that at the source of each life is an act of love, an exchange, a gift. I feel small, but part of something huge.

Later in the afternoon, I lie on my small portion of grass behind the house, I look at the sky. I haven’t done this in decades, apart lying on a beach but then it was more circumstantial. From there I have a long and joyful phone conversation with the person who I have somehow missed all weekend.

Day 19:

Another summery day that puts a smile on my face as soon as my eyes open. I treat myself to walking to work without my Ipod, no music, only the morning noises and birds songs. I try to be fully present and not let my mind guide my tour, I practice mindfulness.  I do the same at lunch time and go and see the horses, caress them – my hands are dusty and smell but what do I care?

It’s strange how some days everything seems in harmony.

I send a message to each of my friends, either to encourage or comfort or understand or hug or kiss.  I take ten minutes to speak with my parents, listen to them.

Am I losing my misanthropic side??

Day 20:

It’s almost the end of this journey and there is still something I really really want to deal with: make peace with my appearance, my body, my face. So first thing first, I look at myself naked in the mirror and try to see the reflection as somebody else’s, it takes some time but I can feel it growing little by little, I even smile at this person looking back at me. And today, instead of wearing jeans I wear a skirt! Not a lot people have ever seen me in a skirt, I like buying them but I am too “shy” to wear them, as if I was scared of being noticed, as if I wanted to be invisible – well I don’t want to be invisible anymore, I want the world to see me and I want to see the world. Later in the day, as I say to a shop assistant I have never seen before to “keep the penny as it will bring you luck”, I can see and feel that she could have done with more comments like this…I still have so many question about love though…

Day 21:

The analysis.  It’s certain, I do not want it to stop, and I will carry on. I figure out that if I keep my body exercise and my Love exercise, my life will have such another dimension. Still I have questions… like for example, Everything alive is unique, so any love between two lives must also be unique, or is it only our perception of love that is unique. And does it matter?

Also, I have noticed something fundamental (for me). That to speak, give, show Love demands me to have first more than enough love for myself, a bit like an empty vase – that would be me – and water – that would be love. When the vase is full the love spreads freely and flow around me. But in order for the vase to fill up, it has to be open, open to the universe, open to receive and give, maybe riskily open, vulnerably open.  So I just have to keep repeating to myself that it’s ok to be vulnerable as this is the only way to Love.