Our Big Life

The letting go has obviously worked! In the space of one week, I’ve had 5 dates.While I was letting go of my sniffling, I had 31 new messages in my inbox from my internet admirers. I let my fingers do the flirting and suddenly everyone wants to take me out.

What’s that about?! I’m not going to go into detail about any of them – that’s not fair to them. But they were all great – in different ways. In fact, I’ve been completely taken aback by what decent men all my dates have been.I’m not sure what I expected.

I mean, come on. You hear such horror stories. But no, they were all very normal, (fairly) well-adjusted men. Some very funny, others very soulful, all with their own story of how they got to this place. One was very sad about his break-up. And at one point, I thought we both were going to cry. But we managed to pull it back from the brink! Another was out on the town after splitting up just two months ago. “Well I’m not going to sit there weeping into my beer, am I” he said, in way of explanation.

When I hired dating coach Paula, I had no idea that it would be such a journey. In just a few weeks, Paula has got to examine the negative beliefs that would hinder me on my Big Love journey, introduced me to a lovely man, finally let go of my ex, been in touch and communicated with around 40 men, and been on a date with six of them. Quite a result in such a short time.

What surprised me was how deep the process was. I thought Paula would give me a few dating rules to follow but in fact, as I knew it would be, it was rather an intense journey inwards. For this to work, you have to be willing to look at your ‘stuff’, which I’ve always been quite comfortable doing. But Paula is also on your case to take action. I certainly wouldn’t have persevered on the internet dating scene without her guidance. I had no idea how resistant I really was. And it’s only by working with Paula and taking action that I’ve learnt what I needed to learn.

It’s official. I’m back out there again.

Here’s Paula’s website if you want to check her out! www.paularosdol.com

I needed some more inspiration on letting go and was delighted to find this amazing wisdom from blogger Lori Deschene of Tiny Buddha on the practicalities and the mindset of how we actually do that. I will be interviewing Lori in a couple of weeks so will have more to share then. For now, read this!

HOW TO LET GO FROM A TO ZEN by Lori Seschene.

Most of our troubles are due to our passionate desire for and attachment to things that we misapprehend as enduring entities.” ~Dalai Lama

Lori writes: “If there’s one thing we all have in common it’s that we want to feel happy; and on the other side of that coin, we want to avoid hurting. Yet we consistently put ourselves in situations that set us up for pain.

We pin our happiness to people, circumstances, and things and hold onto them for dear life. We stress about the possibility of losing them when something seems amiss. Then we melt into grief when something changes—a lay off, a break up, a transfer.

We attach to feelings as if they define us, and ironically, not just positive ones. If you’ve wallowed in regret or disappointment for years, it can seem safe and even comforting to suffer.

In trying to hold on to what’s familiar, we limit our ability to experience joy in the present.  A moment can’t possibly radiate fully when you’re suffocating it in fear.

When you stop trying to grasp, own, and control the world around you, you give it the freedom to fulfill you without the power to destroy you. That’s why letting go is so important: letting go is letting happiness in.”

It’s no simple undertaking to let go of attachment—not a one-time decision, like pulling off a band-aid. Instead, it’s a day-to-day, moment-to-moment commitment that involves changing the way you experience and interact with everything you instinctively want to grasp.

Letting go is letting happiness in.

I love that.

Goodbye grief, hello happiness.

I’ve been crying a lot.  Like an idiot, I rented It’s Complicated, Meryl Streep’s new film about a divorced woman getting back with her ex.

I invited mine to a dinner party. He was great. I’m lucky. We have a very amicable relationship. We still get on, we chat easily. I realised that over the past two years, we had become friends.

But the thought of us actually being together again? My heart sank. My ex hasn’t changed. We’d become friends because I had stopped insisting he did change. He was happier, I was happier, my son was happier without the horror of daily arguments. We could be in each other’s lives, support each other and our love could last forever. Just in a different form. I think he was rather taken aback when I announced this all to him. “Er, yeah, right, of course,” he said, as eloquent as ever! But he did give me a hug before bursting out laughing. “You’ll never change, will you?” he said, rolling his eyes.

I finally got a date!

Paula got so fed up with me, she introduced me to Patrick, a friend of her husbands. Single for 4 years, he offered to take me on a date and give me the low-down on the dating scene. He was very wise.

As we sat and chatted I realised I liked him – he was also one of life’s givers, he was interesting, funny, genuine, a great dad. He was an adventurer, he sailed boats, he could fly an aeroplane, he didn’t like watching TV. I’d just got rid of mine.

My first date couldn’t have gone better. The only problem was that I started to feel emotional. We finished lunch, pecked each other on the cheek and as I got on the train home, I started to cry. Not just a few stray tears, but massive hacking sobs. So embarrassing! Commuters averted their eyes, a kind lady gave me a tissue. I had no idea why I was crying but couldn’t stop.

I rang Paula, still wailing and she finally got it out of me. I could see a future – not particularly with Patrick – but I could see how this could all work. You meet someone decent, you date, you fall in love and you create a new life with a new partner. The very thought hit me with a sledgehammer of grief that came from nowhere. It was time to let go of my past, my ex, my marriage – for real. It had all been in theory up until now. Two years on, and I thought I was ready to move on. And I was, I am but I just didn’t expect it to hurt so much. I loved my ex deeply, we had shared a life, created our beautiful son. I am a romantic. I thought our love would last forever. My dream was over.

Listen to the interview I did with Eleanor Selley, founder of Footloose dating (http://www.footloosedating.co.uk/), the internet dating site for the over forties, on my attempt to make sense of this strange world of internet dating.

www.bigleaplife.com/audios/EleanorSelley.mp3

Is it me? Still no dates?!

I’ve eased off the internet dating this week to explore the power of the heart. I was immensely privileged to talk to Howard Martin (www.heartmath.com/howard), Executive Vice President, of the HeartMath organisation. HeartMath is a highly respected organisation in the States which is dedicated to advancing human performance that is based on compelling scientific research–linking heart function with health, emotional well-being and intelligence.

I was introduced to Heartmath when I came across their gadget, the Em-wave machine (http://www.relax-uk.com/subdisplay.asp?id=1&d=163)

– this little portable, hand held machine that gives you feedback on how you are feeling (whether you’re in the red/blue or green zone).

It’s something that I use every day – as it helps me get in the zone.

In my interview with Howard we talk about how to get yourself into an optimum state for heart-centred communication. Don’t be fooled by the simplicity of this technique. I managed to get through my separation with my husband without lawyers, in a very amicable fashion and I put it down to always getting myself into the right head space (or should I say heart space) before having the big conversations.

By the way, you don’t need an em-wave machine to be able to do this. I just like it because it’s fun.

Here’s the interview:

www.bigleaplife.com/audios/howardmartin.mp3

Of course, I ignored my dating coach. I really was ready to go out there and get ‘em. I went on BBC radio and made wild claims about getting 30 dates in 30 days. I flexed my dating muscles in a worryingly macho fashion. ‘How hard can it be?’ I laughed.

ha, bloody, ha!

Within 24 hour of that laugh, I had completely lost my voice. Not a croak. Never one to be deterred, I took my lap top to bed, joined a few internet dating sites and let my fingers do the talking. Within 48 hours, I was delirious, being sick every 20 minutes and had a temperature that you could fry eggs on. I kept dreaming that I saw strange men walking into my bedroom. And then I realised there was a strange man walking into my bedroom.

It was the Doctor. He felt my pulse, took my temperature and told me I had a chest infection and ordered bed rest. But I have a business to run, my son to look after, a dog to walk and men to date…. ‘you’re not single?’ I asked hopefully. He backed out slowly. I think the sick bucket by the bed may have put him off.

I’m lucky that I’m never ill so it always takes me by surprise when I am. And it floors me. Not only physically but emotionally too. I’m not used to being vulnerable, I sniffled down the phone to Paula Rosdol, my dating coach. I haven’t got the luxury of just stopping and taking to my bed. There is no cavalry to rescue me. My friends are great but they have their own families. My family live 6 hours away, my parents are no longer with us, I have to be able to cope, I have to be strong.

But I think life was teaching me some important lessons. Paula talked ‘reclaiming my feminine energy’.You are very good at the do/do/do (hence your goal of 30 dates in 30 days – which in a million years, I would never recommend, she said. “You have very strong masculine energy – you’re good at the ‘do/do/do’ but not great at the being and receiving.

“Attracting the right relationship for you is primarily about energy,” says Paula and your masculine and feminine energy is not balanced.

Each person – irrespective of gender – Paula explains, has male and female energy within themselves.   To be your best self, this duality has to be integrated.  The following list gives examples of how Paula describe these contrasting energies to me:

When Paula asked me to estimate how much of my day-to-day I spend embodying each of these energies, I could see that the left-hand side completely dominated.  Why?  “Our workplaces often demand it, as harnessing our masculine energy helps women get ahead.  However, the very skills and behaviours that make us shine at work may well be proving our stumbling blocks when it comes to finding love.  Knowing when and where to use either energy is the key to achieving success in all areas of our lives,” says Paula

“So when clients report that the men they date are intimidated by their career success, I remind them about integrating energies and that perhaps men are in fact ‘repelled’ by  masculine energy – not success!  Opposites attract and whichever energy you embody on a date will attract its opposite.”

So how do I make the leap? Life was forcing me to be vulnerable, to be still, to ask for help, to surrender. In the end, I went to my wonderful ex-inlaws house, where they took me in, looked after my son and let me sleep for 3 days solid. But it literally took for me to be on my knees to ask for help, to be vulnerable and to surrender.

I definitely needed to work on my feminine energies and found just the right person to help me.

Sacha Knop is a ‘Soul reader’ and coach, freelance writer and artist and I wanted to interview her because she has written many articles about the subject of ‘the art of waiting’.

When I read Sasha’s work, I realised that what she was an expert in was how to engage and strengthen this ‘feminine energy’ through the ‘art of waiting.

Here’s the interview: www.bigleaplife.com/audios/sasha.mp3

I’ve just been to the Doctor this morning and although he looked a bit wild eyed and terrified when I walked into the room, he listened to my chest versus looked at it and told me I was clear as a bell. I’m well again. And perhaps have learnt a very important piece on my Big Love journey. Let’s see how asking for help, being vulnerable and being still will play out.

I’m a coach, so I’m pretty self-aware, I say to Paula Rosdol in our first session. Let’s get this coaching bit over quickly and then you can tell me how to start dating again.  I’m ready to get back out there. Let me at ‘em, I declare as sudden lull in the restaurant makes my voice blare. Two men at the next table look over, smirk and then look away quickly.

Paula, my dating coach for the month, has met me for lunch at Adam Street, the underground, discreet private member’s club near the Strand. Paula is fabulous, a very youthful looking 51 and very New York. She raises one eyebrow.

“Very self aware? Ok, so you know what you want, then?”

“I don’t want him to be my filling.” Paula raises another eyebrow. “I want him to be the icing on my cake,’ I try to elaborate. ‘I want him to have a dynamic, wonderful life – but he doesn’t have to live near me. He can live in a different part of the country, in another country. In fact, I’d love him to live him in another country. Maybe America? Australia even?”

“Right,” said Paula slowly. “So you’re really ready for a committed relationship – as long as he lives 3000 miles away.”

“Talk to me about any negative beliefs you may have swishing around about relationships,” asks Paula

“I don’t have any negative beliefs.” I say.”None, none whatsoever, really, no, really. Men are great. I want to be in a relationship. I do. Yes, I do, really. No, really, I do.”

“Ok, then tell me, why might you be committed to being single?”

“Committed to being single? No. I’m not. Not that being single is bad. Single is actually great. Actually I love being single. I can do exactly what I want, I can sleep in the middle of the bed, I don’t have to look after anyone else, I can be selfish. Yes! AFTER ALL THESE YEARS I CAN BE SELFISH. I can make myself happy because,” I smile winningly at Paula, “we all know that men can’t make us happy.”

“And with a belief like that, I’d probably want my man to live in Australia too,” said Paula. “Self aware, my ass”  I hear her mutter.

“In five minutes you’ve told me exactly why you’re single and why you’ll probably remain single forever unless you start changing your core beliefs about men.”

I’ve practically written coaching books on ‘how to change a belief’ but I feel oddly sulky and resistant.

I’ve got some work to do.

Here’s the interview I did with Paula – I was so impressed, I hired her!

“Single women, many with great girlfriends, supportive families, successful careers and fantastic lifestyles, are nonetheless experiencing the ‘ManGap’, an open space in their lives that would welcome a ‘good’ man – or more!

I guide single women to taking their social lives from good to GREAT by helping them find, meet, attract and connect with suitable male friends, companions, lovers, boyfriends, partners or even prospective husbands,” says Paula.

Fantastic.

Here’s the interview www.bigleaplife.com/audios/paularosdol.mp3

Have just interviewed focussed and inspirational Paula Rosdol, dating coach – who at 45 decided that to date 100 men to find ‘the one’.

On date 125, she found him. She’s now set up a business to show other 40 something women how to do it. I interviewed her this morning (will post interview tomorrow) I was so inspired, have asked Paula to coach me for a month- in a kind of dating bootcamp -  to get me back out there again. Don’t worry, I will share all!

Oh, and I’m going to write a feature about it in the Daily Mail. Watch this space.

P.S Paula’s interview plus interviews and exercises from other love experts can be found at The Big Love experiment. Join us if you dare.